Gathering Sorrows

I have a birthday in a couple of weeks. On one hand, it's not a "big" one, but simply marks another trip around the sun for me. On the other hand, as the years have passed, I've noticed a few things changing in my body... and in my life.

I think, especially right now, most people of any age can understand one thing I've noted changing: I'm gathering sorrows. Five years ago, one of our sweet granddaughters died in a tragic accident. Less than two years ago, a dear friend was diagnosed with a stroke and then cancer. She passed away in a matter of months. And then this week, a colleague and friend ten years younger than I was diagnosed with a brain cancer. He passed away in a matter of days. The 8-year-old nephew of a family we are close to died last month. The brother of a friend lost his battle with COVID-19. The Navajo Nation is fighting a raging battle against that same disease just to the west of the Jicarilla Apache Nation, where we live.

Our family's day-to-day life is virtually the same as it was three months ago, but my heart is not. My heart hurts for the more-than-50,000 Americans who have died from COVID-19. My heart aches for the almost 200,000 worldwide who have perished. I am swept by grief when someone I know passes away.

I think older people often reach the point where they are gathering sorrows, but right now, it's all of us. I'm positive tears have come to many eyes as we've watched the death toll rise, as we've heard stories of medical professionals and essential workers dying much before what we expect as their natural time. This is communal grief. It is shared trauma.

And it hurts.

And again I turn to the Bible to find my peace, my sanity, God's grace.

Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

This is not forever. This sorrow. This pain. This worldwide pandemic. It's not forever; God promises that the mourning, the crying, the pain will end. Our tears will be wiped away and death will be no more. This is hope. Hope shared by every Christian. Lean into it. Trust God for it.

Romans 8:28 tells us, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Yes, even this. Even. This. 

We do not know God's ways, but we do trust Him to use every experience for our good. When we touch heaven, we will understand everything we need to understand about the why? of this coronavirus pandemic. Until then, the Christian can leave it in God's hands and trust Him.

And in John 16:33b, Jesus says, "In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

When Jesus spoke these words, He knew your trouble today. He knew the COVID-19 disease was coming. He knew. He understood. And He told you that He had overcome the world. He, our Lord and Savior, knew this was coming and told us to "take heart." This isn't the end. He is the end. His victory is the end. Not coronavirus. Jesus is victorious in every way: against sin; against pain; against sorrow. 

As Mercy Me says in this song, "We Win!" Love wins. Good wins. Jesus wins. 

So, Christian, stand and rejoice through the sorrows. Hold tight to His promises. Go ahead and cry because it hurts, but remember there is joy in the morning.

A Place of Security

We all long for a place of security. A safe spot.

Some of us are blessed enough to have been raised in a safe place with unconditional love.

Others of us are not so blessed and were faced with hunger, abuse, insecure housing, and more in our childhoods.

As adults, we often seek security in a relationship, a career, or even our own children. But security isn't found in these earthly things. Spouses die. Careers end. Children rebel.

And right now. Here. On the entire Earth. We are all looking for security in the midst of the COVID-19 crisis. Some are searching for safety from the virus, staying home to protect their vulnerable loved ones. Some are seeking safety for the broader society, staying home to prevent overwhelming the medical care systems. Others are looking for financial security, emphasizing the economy.

But security is not found here. On Earth.

Security is found with God. 

We will never find the security we so desperately yearn for without our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the way, the truth, and the life.

And the security we find in Him isn't transitory, partial, future, or difficult. The security we find in Jesus Christ is immediate, complete, permanent, and a joy in every way!

I used to be plagued by anxiety. It wasn't clinical anxiety; it was just general anxiety because I didn't trust myself enough to make good choices. I always felt like a heavy hammer was about to come down on me because I wasn't good enough.

When I turned back to Jesus as an adult, giving Him the control over my life, my anxiety disappeared. Seriously. I know it sounds crazy, but I can pinpoint the moment when my life became secure. It was the very moment that I finally gave control of my life to Jesus Christ. I said, "Not my way, God, but Yours."

From that moment till now, my life has had many ups-and-downs, many unexpected changes. But I have never doubted or questioned my path. I know God brought my family together. I know God brought us to this place for this time.

My security is not in my marriage, my friendships, my career, or my children. My security is in the Lord Jesus Christ.

Even now.

In the midst of a world-wide pandemic.

If you are experiencing fear or anxiety during this pandemic, 

Listen to one of these songs:

Safe by Phil Wickham
Safe by Neon Feather
We Won't Be Shaken by Building 429
Shoulders by King & Country

Read one of these passages in the Bible:

Psalm 16:8 I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Psalm 61:3 For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.
John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
Isaiah 26:3 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Pray.

Call or message a Christian friend (me?!).

Ask for prayer.

Our only security is in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. His security is here, now, and for always. 

Saturday in a Pandemic

I was out with the kids last week, playing in our yard. So far, neither the tribe nor the state has issued a stay-inside order, thank goodness! (We did start a nightly tribal curfew last night, but we aren't out at night, anyway.) While we were out, I decided to brighten our sidewalk to make passersby smile, so I began my rainbow heart.

Of course, my drawing drew the kids in to start drawing, too, and my plan was "ruined."

Life is like that. We make plans. They get changed. I started thinking back...

Thirty years ago, I had been married to my first husband for seven years. I planned to be celebrating 40 years of marriage in a few years. I wasn't planning to get divorced. I wasn't planning on his abuse of our child. I wasn't planning on starting over with two  young teens. But I did.

Fifteen  years ago, I moved to the same city as my parents and began teaching in a new school system, new state. I planned to stay there for the rest of my life, looking after my parents and teaching, living on my own in my cute little ranch house. I had friends and friendly neighbors, a great church. I never planned to get married again! I didn't plan to move again. I was happy doing stained glass and teaching. But then I met Brad, and once again my plans went out the window.

When Brad and I got married, he was a second-year seminary student who was continuing his medical job at the Mayo Clinic as he studied. I was finishing up my Master's Degree in Education, and we planned to move to where he found a church after he graduated. I would continue to teach; he would pastor one church; and then we would retire. We figured that we would end up with a church in Iowa, Minnesota, or Wisconsin, where all of our children and parents lived at that time.

Not.

A little over a year after we got married, God changed our plans again. One of our grandchildren needed a permanent home. After discussion and prayer, we adopted our now-13-year-old daughter. Less than two years later, while Brad was still in seminary, I quit teaching and stayed home to homeschool our daughter.

And then Brad jokingly read me a pastoral job listing on a Native reservation in New Mexico. I immediately had the feeling that we should pay attention. After reading more about the church and community, Brad sent his profile information to the Jicarilla Apache Reformed Church. Seven years ago today, our family came to Dulce to meet the congregation and see the area. A few months later, we moved to New Mexico. We planned to continue homeschooling our daughter and pastor there until Brad retired, just the three of us.

God had different plans. Totally unprepared, we took in two little boys "for a few days" two and a half years ago. Last summer, we received permanent guardianship of them. Our family is much different than we planned! We still plan to stay here until Brad retires, and I'm still homeschooling our kids. But who knows what God has in store for us?!

Right now, everyone on earth is in a similar position. None of us expected the coronavirus. Six months ago, we all planned to attend dances and classes and picnics and graduations. Three months ago, we were making doctors' and dentists' appointments and planning weddings.

Today, we are (hopefully) staying home to protect those who must go to the hospitals, grocery stores, gas stations, etc. to work. None of us planned this. None of us would have chosen this for the whole world. Our plans have been interrupted. Our lives have been interrupted. It all feels very random and out-of-control.

But...

God knew. God knew my first husband was hurting our child. God knew that my plans to live near my parents were temporary. God knew that Brad would become my husband and that we would have three children together. God knew all this before I was even conceived! Psalm 139:16 says, "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

Not only does God know all this, He uses it all for our good! (Romans 8:28) It sure doesn't feel  good sometimes, and God's word doesn't say everything that happens is good. The Bible says that He uses it all for our good. We may not understand how something could possibly be used for our good because it seems so utterly bad, but we can trust God that He's got this.

So, God knows about the coronavirus and He uses it for our good. I listened to a song this morning by Big Daddy Weave that brought these thoughts to the fore. It reminds us that God is good, He is here, and what He brings to us will bring us home to Him.

In the midst of these life-changes, God is with us. On a day when more than 2,000 of my countrymen died of COVID-19, I know that I am loved...I know that I am saved. I know that none of us walks alone through this unexpected, unpleasant, unknown time. We can trust Him that even this will be used for our good.

On the Saturday after His crucifixion, Jesus Christ's followers were in a dark and lonely place. Little did they know the joy that was coming in the morning! God is good. God is almighty. He is triumphant! Even in the dark days of a pandemic, we can hold these truths. I pray for each of you that you can have His peace, that surpasses all understanding, in these days of quarantine. Trust in Him, for there is no failure in Him.

Amen.

Delete!

I'm sure that in the past three weeks, almost all of us have had a moment of disbelief and/or grief at our current situation. Our surreal reality hit me in the face this morning when I saw a headline saying that yesterday the US had the highest one-day death count of any country in this crisis. I know we have more people than Italy or Spain. I understand that the Chinese are probably not being honest. But it just hit me that over a thousand people died yesterday in my country. It seems draconian! I mean, we have some of the world's best health care available. (Whether or not it's available for all is a topic for another blog post in the future.) Shouldn't we be able to beat this disease?!

Later in the morning, after worshiping via YouTube, I looked at my calendar...and it took my breath away. Tears filled my eyes as I deleted choir from my weekly schedule for the remainder of the school year. I felt such sorrow to remove dance and acrobatics classes, knowing my children were missing their classes and their friends. The other day, our teenager met a friend (standing across the street from each other) and practiced their recital hip-hop dance, in the faint hope that there will still be a recital in May.  Schools in NM are closed for the rest of the year, and in Colorado many districts are closing, even before the governor issues an extension to the current closing.

I deleted our flights and reservations for the Boston Marathon. Our teen had made all the plans, bought tickets, and scheduled flights for this family field trip. It breaks my heart that we will not be able to make her plans come to life.

I know I'm not alone. We are all grieving what we thought our future would be. At this point, we don't have a clue how long this will last or what life will look like when this crisis is over. We aren't even sure that all our loved ones will be here on earth with us! I'm sure I'm not the only one who wishes that their parents, grown children, and siblings were all near enough to drop off groceries or play tic-tac-toe through a window. Or better yet, sharing our quarantine space!

A friend referenced Maya Angelou's poem, "Alone," this morning on social media. I looked it up, and the last stanza seemed eerily apt: 

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Oh! The truth of that! Nobody can make it out here alone!

This is a hard, hard place. A hard, hard time. A time of isolation and grief, even if we haven't lost any of our loved ones. Let yourself lament. Connect with your loved ones via technology. Look for things to do and experience that are not deleted. Use the internet to look up zoo videos (many zoos are sharing videos on YouTube or other social media to keep people connected to the animals). Go for a walk with your household. Call your grandma. Take photographs. Learn to knit or paint.

Our family is faring well. Those moments of disbelief and grief are few, so far. We are being entertained by the antics of kids and cats. We treasure your prayers and offer up ours. If you need specific prayer, please let me know! Here are some quarantine photos:

 We've celebrated one birthday in quarantine, and expect to celebrate at least one more.






Playing outside gives us vitamin D and helps with energy! I've even been working on walking the slack line.

 We have endless play...ninjas, superheroes, chasing, jumping, and more. We are also continuing homeschool lessons, much to the children's dismay!





We pray that you are doing well, also.

Lamenting a Pandemic

Throughout all of human history, people have loudly lamented when life is hard. There are many laments in the Bible, including the entire book of Lamentations and many of the Psalms. Jesus himself lamented his lot in the Garden of Gethsemane!

Life is hard right now. As I'm writing, more than 1,000,000 people have confirmed cases of COVID-19 around the world; and we all know that this is just the tip of the iceberg. One of the most challenging things about COVID-19 is that it appears without symptoms in a significant number of people.

Almost 300,000 in the United States have confirmed cases. Most of us now have active cases not just in our states, but in the very county in which we live. Some have cases in their own communities...or in their own families.

And we're worried. We worry about our grandchildren with compromised immune systems, our sisters fighting cancer, our parents and grandparents. We worry about being able to purchase needed food, medical supplies, and more. We worry about leaving our own children without a mother or father.

Is it "un-Christian" to worry? I mean, we see it in the Bible: "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." (1 Peter 5:7) So is it wrong for us to worry? To lament our sorrows? To be scared and anxious?

Of course not!

In Isaiah 16, Isaiah weeps for Jazer and the vineyards of Sibmah. His tears flow. His joy is gone. We, like Isaiah, can be filled with anguish for those places and people who are in the midst of Corona-chaos.

 Like Job, sometimes we wish we had never been born. Like Jeremiah, we wonder why the world is so very painful. And like in Lamentations, we weep; tears flow down our cheeks. And we lament that no one is here to comfort us.

Our coronavirus quarantine is lonely. The news brings tears to our eyes. And God understands every bit of this. He knows our pain. Even Jesus wept.

And after weeping, we carry on. We bring our lamentations to God, and then ask Him for help to pick up our burdens and carry on. He listens. He hears. He comforts us as we mourn our normal, our world, the pain, and the death.

Our pain and tears are not symbols or symptoms of a loss of faith! They are our prayers for a better world, a better tomorrow. They are our cries for God's presence in the midst of our sorrow!

Because God is faithful, He will answer our pleas! 2 Chronicles 20:9b says, "We can cry out to you to save us, and you will hear us and rescue us." Go ahead and cry out to your Father; He will hear and respond. Reach out to Jesus, our Lord and Savior! He will bring you comfort.

Go ahead and lament; you are in good company!

"I'm Happy."

This little boy with the braids will often say, out of the blue, "I'm happy!" Usually, after he blurts this, someone asks him, "What are you happy about?" And he answers.

"I'm happy that we have potatoes tonight."

"I'm happy that we live in a safe house."

"I'm happy because we are playing a game."

"I'm happy because..."

There's always something to be happy about. He's teaching me this in a new way. I know the teaching of the Bible: Rejoice in the Lord always, again, I say rejoice! (Philippians 4:4) I know my joy is in Jesus Christ. And I know the difference between earthly happiness and heavenly joy.

But...

Right now, I think the world could use a little of this boy's "I'm happy" attitude.

So, think about it: What are you happy about?

I'm happy that everyone in our household seems to be healthy.
I'm happy that my parents have groceries delivered.
I'm happy that my children are finding ways to be happy at home.
I'm super-happy that our teenager is genuinely motivated to stay quarantined.
I'm happy that my husband wears a mask when talking with people outside our household.
I'm happy that our cats entertain us all.
I'm happy that you can freeze milk.
I'm happy that we can still worship on Sunday mornings.
I'm happy that we have enough food to share when needed.
I'm happy that the stimulus money will help us pay our mortgage so our renters and we don't worry.
I'm happy that technology lets me stay social without the chance of spreading COVID-19.

I could go on, I know. There is much to be happy about.

I also know that there is much to worry about for each one of us. Worries about finances, loved ones, food, illness, our retirement accounts, etc. And I know what to do with those, too: Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7.

Proverbs 12:25 says,  "Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad." Let's follow our little guy's lead and look for things to be happy about. Share those thoughts! Be the "good word" that makes someone glad. In this troubled time, making someone glad is something to be treasured.