Tuesday, April 9, 2013
"What it Feels Like"
And then there are our emotions, our feelings. Those nebulous fears, joys, and anxieties which governed so many decisions earlier in my life.
But the song title above, "What it Feels Like," (by FFH) refers to something completely different. I had a difficult time finding this song today because I thought the title was something like "To Be Led" because the most important line in the song is "so this is what it feels like to be led," as in, led by God.
My first distinct guidance from God came at a particularly dark time of my life. I had just driven to the juvenile treatment facility to tell my 13-year-old son (who lived there at the time) that his father had sexually abused his 12-year-old sister, and we were getting divorced. On the dark, rainy drive home, with my daughter asleep next to me, I was crying out in grief for my marriage, my children, and myself. Then I "heard" (no audible words, but clearly from outside myself and my own thoughts) God say, "Someday you will have a marriage relationship that will make this one seem like nothing." I couldn't imagine such a thing! This was the marriage of my youth, of my children. The one that was supposed to last forever. But it was so clear that this was from God that I trusted it.
Quite a few years later, following another divorce (which involved escaping into the night because of fear), I had given up on relationships. I told God that if He wanted me to marry, He would have to drop His chosen man in my lap! I also promised that I would have a relationship that honored God, if I were ever given the opportunity.
Not long after that, God did "drop His chosen man in my lap!" Through unlikely circumstances, my now-husband, Brad, came into my life. He, too, was committed to having a relationship that honored God. We even prayed that God would make it clear if He didn't want us to marry. Both of us became quite convicted that our marriage was God's will. There was an incredible sense of peace in our decision. And no fear. For me, that was amazing, as I had never had a relationship without some fear. That was over five years ago, and I have never regretted our marriage, not for a nano-second.
And so here I sit, in a marriage relationship that is beyond anything I could have imagined on that dark, rainy night so many years ago. A marriage relationship that has blossomed into parenting together in joy and love. So this is what it feels like to be led...