Or so I think sometimes. In reality, some of those things have been laid down, for sure, but I'm also pretty sure I didn't lay them down. My willpower is too weak. I do not claim any success in this; God has taken them from me in my weakness.
There is no doubt that I am living without the fears, the trauma, and their legacy. My life is indeed redeemed! But not by me, by God. My willpower is much too weak.
I know this because I can't lay down my irritability, my self-centeredness, my weak faith. I've tried. I've even improved. But my willpower will never be strong enough. It's not even strong enough to make me get up early in the morning to pray and read the Bible!
It's when we rely on our own willpower that we fail. Eventually. Every. Time. Instead, we need to rely on His Will.
God's Will. Not our willpower. I began living without fear when I said to God, "Please take this fear away from me. I cannot get rid of it!" The "power of positive thinking" had taken me nowhere. In my weakness, He spoke redemption. I began to live, day by day, in less and less fear. I relied upon God more and more as I healed.
Yes, I said to God, "Take this trauma away from me! Let me not live in it any longer!" But even more, I said, "God, help me to want to live without identifying as a victim. Work inside me to make Your Will my truth because my willpower is too weak to even want it." Who would I be once I wasn't defined by the past trauma in my life?
Turns out, I am defined as a child of the One True King! Jesus, my Lord and Savior, is working in me to remake me in His image. Not because my willpower is so great, and I am competent to change, but because I am seeking His Will, in His power and grace.
I am still working to lay burdens at the foot of the cross, but I'm starting with this: "Almighty God, work in me to make me want Your Will. I am so weak that I can't even really want it without Your action." I am finding that He is working in me to make me want more and more of His Will. Praise God!
Amen.