Uncertainty

To say that we live in a time of uncertainty is an understatement. First, there's the chaos at the national level: Supreme Court Justices issuing scathing dissents and the President of the United States tweeting thoughts that are un-American, to say the least. Then there is the looming pandemic of the coronavirus and the ensuing public almost-panic following the CDC's update today.

Then there's the reality of my husband's role as pastor here in Dulce: He just did his 66th funeral in six and a half years. More than 85% of them have been for people under the age of 60. Many have been a result of violence or addiction.

And personally, we are dealing with some pretty distressing behaviors from our kids this week. Things that make us worry about their futures. And ours. Plus, we are still debating our time line for retirement... and where we should settle as we retire. Considering not just our own needs and desires, but the needs and desires of our three minor children, ages 13, almost 7, and 5. We have a lot of years of parenting ahead yet, well into our retirement years (unless Brad pastors for a very long time).

Uncertainty.

It's unnerving. It's hard not to know what the plan is! It's difficult to wonder what might happen... how it will affect us personally. For some people, it creates anxiety. For others, full-on panic!

For the Christian? In Philippians, the Bible tells us not to worry, but to pray. So pray, Christians, pray! Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Philippians goes on to say that we will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.

So when my thoughts wander to parenting a teenager in my 70s...I pray! God gives peace that surpasses all understanding! It doesn't have to make sense, but I feel confident that God will provide all we need as parents.

And when the CDC says that we should prepare for a disruption of our normal lives due to the coronavirus...pray! God will give you peace in the midst of chaos.

And when my lung specialist (who has been figuring out my asthma issues) is suddenly "out of network" and therefore, out of my price range...I pray! I pray that God will lead me to another doctor who can help me decipher and manage my suddenly unpredictable asthma. And God gives me peace in the process.

Uncertainty in the world and in our lives is expected. In John 16, Jesus says, "Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

So, Christian, take heart in these uncertain times. You have everything you need: Jesus has overcome the world! In the worst of times, we can pray. We can know God's peace that surpasses all understanding. We can lean into the uncertainty with a certainty of faith, itself a gift of God. Thank God!

What is "Truth"?

The man in the picture to the right is my president. He was duly elected by the people of the United States of America. I pray for him regularly.

However, I do not support him personally. I cannot. There are innumerable reasons for this, but his degrading attitude toward women, persons with disabilities, and people of color are all I need. I do not understand how people can overlook his despicable actions and attitudes prior to and during his presidency.

Last week's admission that he did in fact send Rudy Guiliani to the Ukraine (read or watch here) after denying for months that he had done so (read or watch here) takes us all to a new level of immoral and illegal behavior. And we should ALL be appalled! Every citizen of the United States of America should be calling for Donald Trump to step down from office. I agree with Mitt Romney that President Trump should have been removed from office in the impeachment hearings, but this admission (as soon as he was acquitted) demonstrates in a crystal clear manner that Donald Trump does not represent what the American people want in a president.

Whether or not you agree with me about personal support of Donald Trump; whether or not you are moderate, conservative, or liberal; whether or not you think the media is "one-sided;" you should be concerned about a sitting president who changes the "truth" based on his purposes for the moment. It is NOT OKAY for the President of the United States to lie/misrepresent the truth/change his story/whatever you want to call it!!!

John Kelly, a highly regarded conservative retired Marine Corps general, spoke out recently at Drew University. He stood behind Alexander Vindman and Vindman's testimony regarding the Ukraine phone call by President Trump at the Senate impeachment hearings (for which Vindman has now been fired by Trump). Read Kelly's assessment of President Trump here.

Please, my readers, take the time to investigate this matter. Take the time and energy to understand what has happened. And assess whether you support the re-election of Donald Trump. I urge you to find a candidate who more closely resembles what we desire for our country!

It's Been a Long Time

I looked up a previous blog post and realized it's been almost a year since I blogged. I have no excuse, except for being "busy." 

There is no doubt that this is true. I am a busy woman! I have three children at home (and I'm homeschooling!), thirty-three grandchildren to send birthday gifts to (and text with, as many are getting old enough to have phones), and a church children's ministry to keep on track. Not to mention a house to clean, dance and acrobatics lessons, choir rehearsals, and random other events to take kids to. Add my mom's 80th birthday party and my niece's wedding, both 1000+ miles away, and you get one busy mama.

However, that is not all I am. I am also a daughter of the One True King. I am a child of God. So today I am reflecting on the ways God has worked in my life in the past ten months.

1. God has taken away my fear. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Isaiah 41:10a This is something God has been doing in my life for more than 50 years. I used to be very afraid of very many things, but the one thing that terrified me the most was making people angry. I've grown and grown in this area, and I am seriously without fear 

                                                                                 at this point. It's still  unnerving to disappoint or 

                                                                                 anger people, but I no longer fear that they will 

                                                                                 destroy me or themselves in their anger at me. 

2. God has given me strength.  But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 This life is not for the timid! Being in my 50's and raising young children tests my strength and endurance frequently. I want to be the kind of mom that races up water slides with her teenager. I want to be the kind of mom that can handle having random extra kids around when her children want friends over. And God has given me strength for all that and more! I can't say that I don't grow weary, but I can always find enough energy to truly be there for them. 

3. God has grown my faith. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 Life isn't always easy; this past year hasn't always been easy. But it has been very good. I am learning to lean on God more and more in every thing that happens. I trust He has a plan for my life. He has called me to this place and to these tasks, and He has good reason for this. I trust that He will provide and He will use me for His purposes. May God continue to grow my faith!

It is my plan to be more intentional about blogging. I love to write, and it brings me joy to share with others. I rely upon God for inspiration, but I'm going to follow up when I have an idea! My God bless each of you...and me!

The Comfort of the Holy Spirit

Do you ever know a Bible story so well that you stop listening to yourself read? That's what happened this morning; the story of Saul's conversion is well-known to me. I kept reading Acts 9, but I wasn't paying too much attention.

Until I read this: So the church throughout all Judea and Galilee and Samaria had peace and was being built up. And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, it multiplied. (Acts 9:31) As a pastor's wife, I spend significant time in conversation with my husband about how we can build up and multiply the church (not our church, Christ's church). Yet, here it is in black and white: We walk in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit.

Walking in the fear of the Lord is a common idea in Scripture. We are to fear God... not the "I'm terrified of you" fear of a small child in an abusive home, but the reverent fear that respects God's power and sovereignty. This part didn't surprise me at all.

Walking in the comfort of the Holy Spirit...

That surprised me! Very much! I'm still stunned by the concept: The church will be multiplied by walking in the comfort of the Holy Spirit. Walking in the comfort of the Holy Spirit is a godly thing to do!

See, the biggest change in my life upon my return to Christianity happened inside me. I used to live in continual anxiety and fear. I second-guessed my every move, and I was terrified of making others upset with me. Accepting Christ's rule in my life brought, more than anything, peace and comfort in the Holy Spirit. I'd never thought of that way before today.

But it's true.

The indwelling Holy Spirit has brought me peace, and yes, comfort, too. Sometimes, I feel that "comfort" isn't something we should seek as Christians, but there it is in Acts: And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, [the church is] multiplied. So maybe it's not so wrong to seek comfort, the comfort of the Holy Spirit. Because it multiplies the church. My peace, my comfort... they multiply the church!

Amazing grace.

I thank God Almighty for the work of His Holy Spirit in my life, for the comfort in which I walk these days!!

Amen.

The Journey of the Lost

We sometimes call this life a "journey," a path we're traveling that is unknown to us in advance. And sometimes we use the word "journey" to talk about a change we've made over time in this life. It's the second kind of journey I want to address today.

See, I wasn't always a Christian. I was raised one. I am one now. But in the middle, there was a time when my faith was shattered and my life consumed by this world.

My upbringing was definitely Christian, although we attended several different churches throughout my childhood. I was baptized in the Presbyterian church. We attended a Methodist church for a while. I spent my junior high and high school years active in a Disciples of Christ church.

It was when I went to college that I had a crisis of faith, and over a decade later when I rejoined the Christian church. That's the part of the journey I want to talk about today.

Because sometimes I see Christian people who are judgmental about those in an earlier place in their faith journey. But if we are maturing as Christians, we should be supporting and guiding those who are new to faith. And guiding doesn't mean knocking down all of the ideas and beliefs of a new believer.

I remember when I was leaving the church during college. I desperately wanted to believe and to keep my faith. I had a ton of questions! I attended Christian Bible studies and asked those questions, only to be shut down with an attitude of "If you're a Christian, why would you even be wondering that?!" I thought the only way to be able to explore my questions was to leave the Christian community. So I did.

I married a previous-Christian who was also questioning lots of things about faith. We began to attend a Unitarian Universalist "church." I met lots of really good people there! I'm still friends with many of them. It was a wonderful place to explore spirituality, but it wasn't Christian.

I was still seeking answers to my religious questions, and I was realizing that deep-down, I wanted Christian answers to those questions. I didn't feel like I was getting them at the UU church, and by this time there were children to consider. My then-husband had quit attending with us, and so I began to attend a local Disciples of Christ (DoC) church with my children.

I didn't feel like I belonged at the UU church because I was "too Christian," and I didn't feel like I belonged at the DoC church because I wasn't Christian enough. But here again, I was on a journey, and this time I was accepted by the DoC church without the judgment of my college peers. This group of Christians, new and mature alike, accepted us without question. This acceptance is what I would encourage as a model of supporting new believers. I wasn't ready to participate in everything. I didn't take communion for over a year. I didn't pray aloud. I couldn't recite an affirmation of faith. But I was in church, hearing God's word! It would have been easy for a mature believer in this group to judge my faith as lacking or my theology as heretical, but no one did. And so I stayed.

And one Sunday, as I was passing on the communion tray, God spoke. He said, "Just take it. Let me do the rest. Just trust me." And I did.

See, on my journey, God was in charge. He never let me go! He knew that I was on a journey and would make it all the way into His loving arms. The Christians who surrounded me at that time were accepting and supportive, and they taught me every day. They walked alongside me in my faith journey and taught me new things about this God I was trying to follow. No one judged my previous or current beliefs as invalid. They just kept pointing me back to God.

From those days till now, my faith has ever increased, ever deepened, ever matured. I look back on some of the beliefs I had at various times along my journey, and I almost laugh! But I'm really glad that there were strong and loving Christians along the way to support me through my questioning times, without judgment. I'm really glad that they also gently pushed me toward the God of the Bible.

And I pray that I, as a pastor's wife, can recognize those who are earlier in their faith journey than I am. And I pray that I can encourage them, support them, and gently guide them toward the amazing, almighty, and eternal God of the Bible that I am coming to know more and more each and every day. And also that those Christians further along the faith journey than I am can encourage me, support me, and gently guide me even closer to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

A Long Soak

It's been a long winter, and we have had enough snow that the severity of our drought status has been lowered. I love snow, and it's been a lovely season, but we've been ready for spring for a few weeks.

Twice in the past month, I have been blessed to be able to take advantage of some local hot springs. The first time, there was still snow in the air. The second time, it felt like spring; the only telltale signs of the snow were the plow piles we had to climb over in the parking lot.

Both soaks were long and relaxing, even with the children along. The water is delightfully warm and peaceful. It was delightful!

In between my two long soaks, I read an article online about reading God's Word. It used the verb "soak" in reference to spending time in the Bible, as in "We should soak (spend time immersed in) God's Word." I've heard this phrase before, but it never struck me as it did this time.

To soak in God's Word. Not to read it quickly through because you have a commitment to read the Bible in a year (or two or three). Not to read it in small sections in a devotional book. Not to randomly open your Bible and read a page. (Not that there's anything wrong with any of those things!)

But to intentionally linger and dawdle and immerse yourself in a section of the Bible. 

So I decided to try it. I picked the Psalms because I, like many of you, am interrupted a thousand times a day by small humans. Psalms seemed understandable, even with a thousand interruptions. And I began to soak. I am reading, rereading, and rereading two pages a day. I read yesterday's two pages and today's two pages over and over and over. So each two-page segment gets two days of soaking, and on some days I go back to the beginning of the book of Psalms and reread all of the Psalms I've read. Sometimes I read the same small section repeatedly because it catches my attention somehow.

I love soaking. The hot springs are delightful, but God's Word is eternal. Reading the Psalms this way has deepened my love for God's Word. It has increased my understanding of the Psalms. It has focused my attention on God instead of Words with Friends or any other app. I highly recommend soaking.

Amen.

A Tough Day

Today was a hard day. Really hard. Trauma-mama hard. I'm not going to share the details of this day, but I will tell you about some hard trauma-mama days I've had in the past with some of my foster and/or adopted children. Again, please do not attribute these details to the children currently in my home, even though I am writing each story as if it is current. I'm changing some identifying information, but know that these stories are real. Childhood trauma is real, and it affects every single thing a child does.

For example, there is a child who will not sleep with a door open. I cannot enter his room at night because it triggers memories of an abuser that crept into his darkened room. Once, I urgently needed an item that was in that bedroom, and I didn't wake the child up. He awoke in terror and lived in terror for several days.

There is the one who explodes in anger continually. The physical abuse from him is extremely difficult to take. We've tried medications, hospitalizations, and therapies. Nothing seems to work. Surviving is about as good as it gets with this child. I can't figure out and avoid his triggers. I don't know how to reach him to let him know he's safe and loved. I am physically and emotionally drained in his presence. I am in fear for myself and the other children in my home and neighborhood and school. I am helpless and hopeless more than I'd like to admit.

Then there are the days when we have multiple potty accidents with a child that is too old to be facing accidents. Accidents happen for days after every single encounter with her father. Sometimes we go months without seeing this child's father, and she is dry and clean for months. Then we run into her biological father, and there are days of anxious accidents. More laundry than you can imagine. 

And there is a child who struggles years into placement with our family. Struggles to accept imperfections from herself. Struggles to learn anything new because that would mean admitting she doesn't already know everything. Struggles to the point of spending hours defending an innocent mistake, denying that she didn't know how to accomplish some task correctly. Fights and argues to maintain her image of perfection because to admit imperfection means she is worthless. This attitude was ingrained before we met her, and she pays the price for it every day.

Then there is the meltdown king. At an age when he should be able to use words to express feelings, this child goes into classic "flight or fight" during any confrontation. Something as simple as, "Please put away your toys" throws him into a full-on panic, complete with screaming and kicking. "It's time to go home from the park," triggers running away and hiding.

It's exhausting. It's incessant and intense. After a day filled with trauma-triggers and trauma-related-responses, I am ready for bed at suppertime. I struggle to maintain my peaceful responses. I desperately need miracles of hope.

And they come. Rescripted self-talk comes in the midst of mistakes. A small child crawls into my lap and apologizes for pushing me in the hallway. Words come haltingly to describe the situation instead of screams. Anger is managed with breathing exercises instead of hitting. A clean and dry day happens. I get a hug. An offer of help. A prayer for a sibling having a hard day. These small victories are blessings. Some trauma-mamas don't get them. There have been years when I didn't get them; I was hopeless. I desperately needed help and didn't get any.

That isn't true in my life now. There is much hope and much progress. There is much joy and much celebration. I just don't want to leave out those trauma-mamas whose only hope is in a residential placement of their son or daughter. Whose child came from such difficult and damaging trauma that "success" is defined by the child growing up without going to jail. To those mamas, I say that I am praying for you. I am here to listen without judgment. I deeply and truly understand what you're going through.

For me, today was just a tough day. Not an impossible day. Not a day that ended with a psychiatric placement or juvenile detention. And I know the blessing in that. I thank God for that blessing!