A Slave of Fear

Over Thanksgiving, our family traveled to visit one of our children and two of our grandchildren. We had a wonderful visit: Playing at the zoo and the beach, Hiking up a small mountain, and Preparing the Thanksgiving meal together. It was a time of creating memories and enjoying each others' company. I pray that you had similar opportunities over Thanksgiving; family is such a blessing!


We had one other amazing experience while away from home: We worshiped together at their church. Now, it's always delightful to worship with my pastor husband; we don't get the opportunity very often! But this service touched me deeply. The Bible was preached strongly and effectively. Praise music filled the air to begin the service. In particular, "No Longer Slaves" by David and Helser touched my heart. The lines from the song that brought tears to my eyes were, "I'm no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God."

You see, I was a slave to fear for much of my life. That happens when a child is raised in a home with an abusive parent. My fears blossomed, even after a divorce which freed me from physical abuse, because my remaining parent was severely depressed. She even attempted suicide when I was nine years old. It wasn't explained to me because all the adults thought I didn't know, but I did. And I spent the rest of my childhood fearing to do anything that would upset my mom because then she might kill herself, and I would have to go live with my dad.

This was totally unhealthy, as I'm sure you recognize. And since no one knew my fears, no one could reassure me. When my mom remarried, my fears eased but didn't disappear entirely. I went off to college, still deeply afraid to make waves of any kind. This no longer made any rational sense, but the patterns that we develop as children are hard to break.

I ended up dating and then marrying a controlling, arrogant man. It felt right to me because I was so afraid of making mistakes. He knew what was right, right? Well, as it turned out, not so much. He ended up sexually abusing at least one of our children. Thankfully, I didn't listen to my then-husband's counsel about keeping the secret in the family. I knew better. I reported him; he went to jail. We got divorced.

And still, I was afraid. My faith was growing, but my fear wasn't diminishing. I was afraid of being alone, afraid of changing things, afraid of making decisions that might upset someone else. Finally, I began to ask God to remove my fears. After all, His Word says "Fear not, for I am with you" (Isaiah 41:10).

And He did. As I turned my fears over to Him, asking Him to remove them from me forever, He did. I began to turn to God and pray instead of being afraid. In the past 12 years, God has freed me! I am no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God. When I heard those words in the song last Sunday, I recognized how fully true they are for me in this season of my life. God completely redeemed my life and my soul, bringing me to this life full of love and peace... and no fear. A life where I am serving Him with joy and thanksgiving.

Thank you, God, for this gift of redemption.

Amen.

Thanksgiving

Yesterday, our family celebrated Thanksgiving at an extended family gathering of a church family. They have graciously invited us to celebrate several holidays with them, and we have been blessed by each gathering. Later yesterday, we joined a different family to celebrate a child's birthday.

We are delighted to be so often invited to participate with friends and family in various celebrations here. It strengthens our ability to minister, and it bolsters our spirits.


Thanksgiving is a time to share our blessings and express our gratitude for them. And people are definitely our greatest earthly blessing. It is, of course, a greater blessing to have eternal life through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. But here on earth, the people in our lives are delightful gifts.

I am thankful for all of our family, and we have many family members! Even though most of them are far away, God promises in Mark 10: 29-31 that those who leave family, land, etc. for His sake and for the sake of the Gospel shall be rewarded. And He has done so. We are able to visit our families; we can talk to them regularly; and one of our siblings has joined our household! It's wonderful to have extended family here with us.

In addition to extended family and friends, I have personally received the blessing of many children in my life. I am teaching our daughter and two Jicarilla boys full-time. Plus, I teach a Science class and a New Mexico History class to an additional 6 children. Following class, they all play together before going home. This has made my life bountiful in so many ways! I am teaching in the most flexible and joyful circumstance ever. My three full-time students also participate in a larger homeschool co-op that focuses on outdoor education and experiences. I have made many friends among the parents there.

And, of course, there are the blessings that come with marriage and parenthood, neither of which I expected at this point in my life. My first family ended in a "nuclear blast," which landed my first husband in jail. I never expected the joy of a God-given, God-respecting marriage; it goes beyond all of my previous understanding! Even after I remarried, my husband and I never planned to be parents together. We have been blessed beyond all expectation, beyond all hopes, in a way that only God could have conceived! What complete JOY to parent this delightful young lady!

There are, of course, physical blessings in this world that I am thankful for, as well. But truly, the people in my life, here and elsewhere, are my greatest earthly blessing. Thank You, God, for these exquisite relationships in all their complexity.

Amen.

The End of the World

A few days ago, I wrote about the upcoming election. Today is "the day after," and we know who won the presidency. But honestly, I think if either major candidate had won, the situation would be the same. It turned out that Trump is the successful candidate, but if Hilary had won, it would be the same cries of despondency from a different group of people.

The winner's proponents are celebrating the "saving of America." And the losing candidates' supporters are bemoaning "the end of the world," or at least the end of the world  as we know it. I supported neither major candidate, choosing to vote for someone rather than against someone. (If you personally believe I "wasted" my vote, that's your opinion; I strongly believe that I should vote for someone that I want to see in office.)

At any rate, no matter who won, the sentiment would be the same: the opposite camp would be declaring that the election ended the world as we have known and loved it. In my previous post, I explored the idea that the disintegration of our nation was happening long before the election. In this post, I want to say something different.

To those of you who are celebrating today:

Please be sensitive to the insecurity that is being widely felt by racial and religious minorities today. Even in the best light, Donald Trump has said and done some things that rightfully make many fearful of his intentions. Our almost-10-year-old asked if her birth dad and her sister (both Black) would be okay since Trump was elected. She had seen some hateful speech video and is fearful for her loved ones. Thankfully, she hasn't seen the video of Trump discussing women as objects for sexual conquest, but many worry about how to explain these things to their children.

To those of you feeling like it's the end of the world:

Please don't jump to the conclusion that every Trump voter is racist, sexist, cruel, and/or narrow-minded. I'm sure those voters exist, just as those sorts of people existed before Trump came along. But the vast majority of Trump supporters voted for him in spite of  his unsavory characteristics. They voted based on what they felt would be best for our country, either in future Supreme Court nominations, fiscally, or some other issue(s).

To Everyone:

Americans have collectively spoken in this election. Donald Trump, no matter your views on him, is the president-elect of our country. That means that the next four years will be shaped, in part, by his policies. It does not mean that only those Americans who supported him in the election have a share in the work to be done during those four years.  You are not off the hook for the future of our nation if your candidate did not win!

Let me say that again: You are not off the hook for the future of our nation if your candidate did not win. (Or if he did!)

The future of our nation is not in Donald Trump's hands, nor would it have been in Hilary Clinton's hands had she won the election. The future of our nation is in our hands. Our working hands. Our loving hands. Our praying hands.

If you are cheering today, make plans to join in the efforts to achieve what you believe in!

If you are grieving today, make plans to join in the efforts to achieve what you believe in!

And no matter who you've supported or how you're feeling today, lift Donald Trump and Michael Pence in prayer. 1 Timothy 2:1-4 says, "First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth." 

We can all do that. Pray for our elected leaders at all levels of government. God can work in (and through) anybody!

Who Will Win on Tuesday?

On Tuesday, we Americans will elect our next president. Many people believe that our nation will disintegrate following the election of the "other" candidate.

 I think our nation is disintegrating already. We are treating one another with disrespect while discussing the election, to the point of losing friendships and normalizing hatred. Police officers in Iowa (and other places) are hunted down and assassinated. Suicides among children are the highest ever. Our African American loved ones are terrified of being stopped by the authorities.  The Standing Rock Nation, and all indigenous peoples, are continuing to face hostility toward their inherent right to exist and thrive. They face the marginalization that has marked the US response to Native peoples for centuries.

And that's just the problems in the USA that come to mind without thinking!


Wednesday won't be much different. Neither will next January after the inauguration.

Things won't get different until we get different. Until we remember that among the United States' fundamental beliefs are:

1. Out of many, one (people);
2. In God we trust;
3. Liberty;
4. Equality; and
5. Diversity.

Until we begin to live like we believe that others are as important as ourselves and that being different doesn't mean that a person is worse, our country will continue to disintegrate. And yes, I deeply believe we all need to trust in God, but I also respect the rights of others to believe differently than I do.

As a Christian, there is one more vital thing to remember as we approach the election: God is in control. Always. In all ways. We know how this story ends; we know that we are in God's arms. So let's rest easy in that fact. Let's treat people who trust the "other" candidate with respect. Let's not get into arguments about which is the "Christian" candidate. Let's not try to bully others to agree with us.

Make your decision. Remember it's yours.

And vote, so that your voice is heard.

And alongside that, treat each other with love, as Jesus commands, and with respect, as Jesus demonstrated through his life.

God will still be in control on Wednesday, no matter who wins on Tuesday.

A Busy Season

We all have busy seasons in our lives: Young children, Teenagers' activities, Major celebrations, New jobs, Etc. Yesterday I realized that I haven't blogged in well over a month... And the only excuse I have is that it's been a busy season.

Of course, school started. That brings only 2 full-time students for me these days, but there is still preparation to make. And I had a third student for a while, trying to help a child in need of a safe and nurturing space. Plus, I'm teaching Science to my 8 kiddos and New Mexico History to 5 students. I'm having a blast, but it's keeping me very busy!

We had a visit from five top leaders in the RCA, our church's denomination. They came to talk to our congregation and leadership about the changes in funding that are coming our way. The denomination has funded this mission church for 102 years, through the years of the sanitarium, the boarding school, the mission house, roller skating, until today's church mission here in Dulce. Over the next three years, the denomination will lower funding to zero. The group that came to speak to us was addressing how we meet our financial needs through fundraising within the denomination. It was a good visit, with many great ideas that are exciting, but it was... well, busy.

AWANA started this past month, also. I love AWANA, a multi-church youth ministry held at our facility. But it certainly adds to the craziness of our world. We serve between 20 and 35 youth each Monday, teaching them Scriptures, giving them an anchor for those times in their lives when they face difficulties.

During this same period of time, one of our adult siblings and his dog came to live with us due to life circumstances. Adding another human to our household hasn't been too difficult, but the addition of a large dog has been challenging for our two cats! We've had everything from cats-hiding-in-the-basement-for-days to the dog clambering down the stairs so fast (on a leash!) that he rolled down the final couple of steps. We rigged many of the doors in the house to be open just far enough for a cat, but not wide enough for a dog, and we're starting to see the cats more often.

The dog created another set of craziness this past week. A couple of Rez dogs have been hanging around watching him, and they finally decided to come and bug our Smokey. Smokey took off after them, breaking his leash connection and dragging his rope. The rope got entangled around one of the Rez dogs and he got hit by a car. Smokey was tangled, of course, and he was whipped around and hurt, too. We didn't know which dog lay dead in the street and which hobbled away until we ran down the street to find Smokey. Smokey is recovering, but he's a little slow and quiet! (Our cats are enjoying this part of it.)

Add in the normal tutoring, dentist visits, putting in a new dishwasher (which was donated by a friend of the church!), taking down the pool, funerals and potlucks, revivals, marathons, glasswork, and tween sleepovers, it's been pretty busy.

One thing I've learned in the past three years in New Mexico, is to go-with-the-flow and pray for peace. Fifteen years ago, this busy season would have stressed me out! Not so anymore. I am able to adjust and accept the chaos, leaning on the peace that surpasses all understanding. This busy season has had many blessings!

Please pray for our church as we make the transition to raising our own funding. And pray for AWANA, that more children and youth will attend and that we have sufficient adult volunteers each week.

Thank you!

But He is Strong

I have debated about making this post a long time. The subject is unpleasant, and I certainly don't want to brag about how we overcame this difficulty. But God keeps nudging me toward sharing this story to show HIS strength.

And let me tell you... it was ALL HIS strength that made this possible, for on my own I could not possibly have dealt with this situation.

Recently, the local police stopped by to ask if we knew where a traveler could stay. Brad talked to them for a long time before they left. He had told them he knew of nowhere. I know he didn't volunteer our spare room because it wasn't really "spare" anymore; my brother was moving in with us a couple of days later. I had his room clean and ready to go. I appreciate Brad's protection of my work, but I said, "Well, the person could stay here..."

So Brad called the police back and made the offer, and the police brought the traveler to our door. We've had strangers stay with us before, and I'm sure we'll do so again. Usually, the traveler is a Native man, hitchhiking his way to see his mom, his kids, or to get to a job. Usually, the traveler is reasonably clean, reasonably sober, and very appreciative.

Usually.

My mother has a wonderful gift of hospitality, and I think I learned what I know of it from her. Generally, I enjoy being a hostess, providing meals, a bed, a shower, and laundering clothing and bedding for their travels. Jesus' words on how we treat "the least of these" inspire me to be genuinely happy for these opportunities, even if they're sometimes slightly uncomfortable.

Usually.

This time was different.

When the police dropped off the traveler, I was shocked. I couldn't tell whether the person was a man or a woman. (woman) She was dressed in multiple layers of ill-fitting, disgustingly filthy clothing. She had a t-shirt around her hair and much of her face, leaving few clues to her age. (74) She was toting a ripped-up trash bag and a handled tote-bag, which she deposited on the floor of our kitchen. Our cats immediately began sniffing around in them; I was afraid they would urinate on the items, marking their territory.

And the smell... I have never smelled anything like it before in my life.  Seriously.   Never.   Ever.    It was the worst stale-urine-on-a-bedwetter smell combined with the worst BO and some other smells I never want to experience again. She had obviously been using her clothing as a toilet for weeks. Her pants were even wet as she entered the house. My eyes and throat burned as I greeted her. My stomach turned over as I watched her sink into a chair in my kitchen, and I dreaded the idea of her even in my house, let alone in a bed in my house.

And I sent up a silent prayer, begging with God to give me His love for this forlorn soul because I could find none in my heart.

And He did.

I was suddenly calm and unbothered. My physical repulsion at this woman's condition was removed. I was able to serve coffee to her, chat with her, offer her (with genuine joy) food, bed, shower, laundering.

It is not a testament to me or my strength, ability, or faith. Absolutely not. I could not possibly have succeeded in suppressing my revulsion. It was a gift from God. My peace of mind, my strength of stomach, my ability to actually love this traveler were given to me, complete, from Almighty God.

After she went to bed, I sanitized the chair and table where she had sat. Yes, it was that bad. But I didn't do it out of disgust, I did it to protect my family.

And when, in the middle of the night, we were awakened by the overwhelming stench of her using the toilet (removing her clothes made the smell so strong that we were suddenly awake, eyes and throats burning at the far end of the hallway), I was able to thank God that she felt safe enough to use the toilet instead of her clothing.

I got up the next morning, cooked bacon and eggs, determined to send her on her way with a good meal. I awakened her gently, thanking God that she slept on the bed instead of in it. She started with fear, then realizing where she was, asked if she could stay another night. Since my brother was in need of the room, we said no, but invited her to breakfast. Then my husband drove her halfway to her destination, where she would likely be able to hitch the rest of the way before nightfall.

After she left, I was left with the delousing, bleaching, sanitizing, washing, and deodorizing... but I was also left with the love of God for this unfortunate soul who wandered through our lives. And the absolute knowledge that...

I am weak.

But He is Strong.

In all things, depend on Him. He will provide all we need. The Lord is my strength and my shield and my righteousness. It is only in Him that I can do His will in this world.

I am weak.

But He is Strong.

Amen.

And Amen.



PS There are no pictures for this story because I refuse to utilize any homeless, desperate (or any other) person for my own purposes.

Happy Anniversary!

Today marks the third anniversary of our arrival in Dulce, New Mexico. I suppose it's natural to review "what we've accomplished" and to "set new goals," but that's not really how I think of our three years here. I have learned and gained so much more than I've given or accomplished.

Living among the Jicarilla Apache people has taught me many things. I'm still confused at times, but I've learned a lot! If you've ever lived outside of your native culture, you understand what I mean.

What have I learned?

I've learned that differences within the culture are almost as large as the differences between my (White, mainstream) culture and the Jicarilla culture. The Jicarilla people have many interpretations of what certain cultural practices mean; if I ask several people what something means, I get a better, fuller understanding than if I simply ask one person. This is even true with language pronunciation and use! Slowly, I am coming to an understanding of what things mean, but I am still ignorant on many topics.

I've learned that it's okay for me to take photographs in most situations since I am a member of the community. I still ask permission to post any pictures publicly, but I do that among my White friends, too. And I never take my camera to cultural events such as a keesta (girls' coming-of-age ceremony) or go-jii-ya (annual fall festival). Many of the parents of Kat's friends appreciate my photography hobby and love seeing what their children are doing while playing.

I've learned that ministry is all about relationships, especially here among the Jicarilla Apache. The time we spend with our Jicarilla friends opens the door to service and witness, besides being fun. Relationships take time. Among the mainstream culture, time is often more important than people; that is not true in Dulce. Here, if someone drops by (yes, this actually happens!), you stop what you're doing and settle in for a visit. It's delightful!

I've also learned that much of the ministry here is not done in the church or even with the church members. Much of our ministry consists of being welcoming to strangers who wander through our yard and our lives... of making plates of food for hungry wanderers, who are often intoxicated... of simply sitting with those who are distressed, depressed, or suicidal. This church was "the" church among the Jicarilla Apache for about 50 years; this means that families who aren't connected to another church often come to Brad for a wedding or, more often, a funeral. Brad is very good at consoling grieving family members and proclaiming the gospel at funerals.

I've learned that northern New Mexico is a long, long way from the Midwest. That when a parent is ailing, it's very hard to be so far away. That it's too expensive to go back as often as my heart would like. And in all this, I've learned that God provides for them in our absence. Neighbors, friends, and church family have all connected to support our parents. Accepting this blessing is difficult at times, but it is a good gift. 

We've discovered that we absolutely delight in the weather in the mountains. We love the cool summer nights and warm winter afternoons. We love the snow... and the fact that it usually melts within days. On our travels back to the Midwest, we feel the humidity, that's for sure! The dry climate is welcome when we return.

So, as we prepare to begin our fourth year in service here, we look forward to learning more about ministry, more about the Jicarilla Apache, and more about ourselves. We thank God for bringing us here, and ask Him to give us many more years among these precious people of His.